Stop Shrinking Yourself to Please Others

Stop Shrinking Yourself to Please Others

Do you find yourself constantly trying to make others happy, often at your own expense? This behavior, known as ‘fawning,’ can lead you to minimize your own needs and desires to keep others content. Understanding fawning is the first step toward reclaiming your sense of self and building healthier relationships.

Fawning is a survival response, often developed in childhood, where individuals learn to prioritize the needs and emotions of others, especially those in authority, to ensure their own safety and well-being. It’s like believing that if you can just keep everyone else happy and comfortable, you will, in turn, be happy and taken care of.

The Core Belief Behind Fawning

At its heart, fawning operates on a belief system that external happiness is the key to your own. You might think: ‘They (the person in authority or someone you seek approval from) must always be happy for me to be happy and safe.’ This can lead to an intense focus on managing their emotional state.

The ‘recipe’ for their happiness, in this mindset, involves them always getting what they want, never facing difficulties, and never experiencing uncomfortable emotions. It’s an attempt to ensure their ‘limbic brain’—the part of the brain associated with emotions and survival—stays in a constant state of pleasure. The logic is that if their emotional state is always positive, then your own well-being is guaranteed.

Why This Approach is Harmful

This intense focus on another person’s emotional comfort means you become hyper-vigilant about anything that might upset them. You might avoid expressing your own needs, opinions, or feelings if you fear it could cause them discomfort. Your energy is then directed towards anticipating and fixing any potential problems that could lead to their unhappiness.

This constant effort to manage another person’s emotional state is exhausting and unsustainable. It prevents you from developing your own sense of self-worth, which should not be dependent on the approval or happiness of others. Over time, this can lead to burnout, anxiety, and a feeling of being lost or invisible.

Recognizing Fawning Behaviors

Fawning can show up in several ways:

• Always agreeing with others, even when you disagree.
• Difficulty saying ‘no’ or setting boundaries.
• Constantly apologizing, even when you’ve done nothing wrong.
• Over-functioning or taking on too much to please others.
• Prioritizing others’ needs and feelings above your own, consistently.
• Seeking external validation to feel good about yourself.

Moving Beyond Fawning

The journey away from fawning involves recognizing these patterns and gently shifting your focus back to yourself. It’s about understanding that your worth is inherent and not tied to how much you can please others. Building self-awareness is crucial here.

Start by noticing your own feelings and needs throughout the day. What do you genuinely want or feel in different situations? Practice small acts of self-care and self-assertion. This might mean stating a simple preference or declining a request that overextends you.

Therapy can be incredibly helpful for individuals who struggle with fawning. A therapist can help you explore the roots of this behavior, develop coping mechanisms, and build a stronger sense of self-esteem. Remember, your feelings and needs are valid, and you deserve to be seen and heard for who you are.

Key Health Takeaways

• Fawning is a survival response where you minimize yourself to keep others happy.
• It’s based on the belief that others’ happiness guarantees your own well-being.
• This pattern can lead to exhaustion, anxiety, and a loss of self.
• Recognize fawning by looking for constant agreement, difficulty with boundaries, and prioritizing others excessively.
• Start by noticing your own needs and practicing small acts of self-assertion.
• Consider seeking professional help to understand and change these patterns.

Disclaimer: This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Always consult with a qualified healthcare provider for any health concerns or before making any decisions related to your health or treatment.

Source: How you can lose yourself in trying to be liked. (YouTube)